I am not sure where to start, but here goes. I have been away first from the computer due to being extremely busy at work then from myself because I seem to have lost my mind for a moment. My weekly blog has suffered. Its time to update. Time to move on and forward again. Have you ever had to talk to yourself? I mean really talk to yourself? Well that's what I found myself doing one day as I was driving. I said things such as "I am not going back to the other body – not going to happen”, “I will fight you on this – I’m not giving up this time”, "the things you are doing to yourself are not acceptable", "I'm tired of your rationalizing if you say one more time at least I am not eating sugar I will scream”, “As if chips are part of your healthy WOL", "you have worked too hard to lose it now", "I love you and I'm not going to let you do this". Call me crazy, but I have had to say some things to myself that others won't say. I've been hearing, “It won’t kill you to eat ________”, “You deserve a break”. A break from what? My lifestyle change? Well a break would mean changing my lifestyle.

 I called this entry "A Moment of Truth" because I have faced more than one moment in the past couple of months. Maybe I should change that to "moments of truths". First, my exercise is suffering - seriously suffering. My boss asked me today "what happened?" and honestly I don't know. It started with one day I was too tired. The next I was too busy and day after that I wasn't feeling well. Too many of those days added up and the exercise habit I worked hard to create was gone. I have made a decision. No more 1,000 minutes of month challenges. I feel like I am starting back at the very beginning and so that's where I decided to start. My goal is: at least 30 minutes at least 4/5 days a week. No excuses - NONE!  Anytime my exercise suffers for a period of time my eating becomes lax. I can't seem to do one without the other. It seems it's all or nothing for me and I can't accept nothing.

 I am still struggling with taking my vitamins everyday to get my iron level back up. If I refuse to take the iron pills then I need to at least take my vitamins. Someone needs to slap me around. This is serious and I know this. My energy level is suffering interfering with my exercise. After talking it over with a friend, I came up with a solution that is working as of Oct 31st. Now my meals consist of breakfast (a protein, fruit or grain and vitamins), lunch & dinner (protein, fruit, veggie, and vitamins). They are now part of my menu. My meals are not complete with my vitamins. So when I pack meals daily meals I get my vitamins too.

 One last decision I have made during this time is that I am going to stop striving for a magical number on the scale and enjoy where I am today. I have a weight loss friend that I talk to via phone periodically. We have talked at lengths about this before, but I wasn't ready to hear it. We talked again last week and I told her everything that has been going on with me. Again we talked about my current size - smaller than I was in high school for one. Secondly, I am really happy with my size why not enjoy it. The advice to stop and enjoy where I am came from her. She suggested that I won't let myself be happy because I am continually stressing and striving to see a number on the scale that may not be meant for me. 170 is no longer my weight goal. For all the time I stopped exercising and not eating strictly lowcarb, my weight crept up and stayed within the range of 200-203. Over 2 weeks and my body stayed the same daily. It seems my body can maintain a certain weight without watching everything that I eat and without killing myself with exercise. Other than a day or two here and there, the only regular exercise I was getting was during my praise dance practices - every Monday and 1st & 3rd Saturdays between 1.5 to 2 hrs long. 203 is not the number I am willing to accept so I have to act like it. Now with exercise and eating properly, I am sure I can maintain a weight of 185 -maybe 180, but not 170. Physically I don't want to overdo it again and end up back in the hospital, but I can't completely stop either. There is a middle ground and that's where I started and it worked just fine for me. I don't need the Taebo workout or the stomach crunches to be physically fit. There are some parts of my body that will never be completely toned due to surgeries and I am okay with that.

 The New You knows how to deal with setbacks and get back on the wagon. And after all, there are no mistakes, just learning experiences. Weight loss is a process — it takes time. You will encounter small failures — everyone does — but every pound you gain can be lost.

I have read this quote from my last entry and it's true. The "new me" does know how to deal with setbacks. I think my problem is for a period of time the new me got lost for whatever reason. Today I am going to say the reason is not the important thing. The important thing is that I started over Tuesday October 31st and I intend to stay on track. Being disconnected from the internet has made me more dependent on God in my weight loss journey. I am still not able to get online as I once did. I miss my weight loss support friends, but I have to be able to do this without them. I only have access at work and I need to limit the time I am on the boards. Leading my Sunday school class on "Expressing Gratitude in Prayer" brought some things to my remembrance. I thank God for keeping me even when I seem to forget to take care of myself. I thank Him for brand new mercy everyday. I thank Him for my journal. I have read through it and taken my own advice. Someone asked me a question one day. What would you tell someone who has tried to lose weight before and failed? My answer:

• Take it one day at a time and sometimes that means minute by minute hour by hour.
• Don’t focus on past failures unless you can use what you have done wrong in the past as learning tools.
• One slip, binge, unplanned meal shouldn’t ruin your day or journey. Deal with it and continue on.
• Make this a lifestyle change.
• One of Lean for Life’s main principles is “Eat Better, Move More and Stress Less”. Striving to do those daily will keep one on track to living a healthier life.
• Pick a plan, whether it’s one you make on your own or a plan such as Lean for Life, and just do it.
• Don’t forget the exercise. Find something you like. I am not an outdoors person and I am not a coordinated person. Walk Away the Pounds is perfect for me -easy to follow and effective.

 Great tips if I must say so myself so why don’t I continue to follow them. I do hope I can manage to continue to post weekly to this journal. It helps me with my focus. Isn’t it great that you don’t have to worry about yesterdays? They are gone to never return. A new day, a new beginning.